# Chapter 49 ### Chapter 49: Two Idiots "Yuan-ge, this..." Pei Shuo looked awkward. "How am I supposed to answer that?" His mind raced, desperately searching for a way to answer without making Lin Jianyuan suspicious. The real problem wasn't avoiding suspicion—it was that he had no idea what kind of image this legendary roommate held in Lin Jianyuan's mind! What if he got it wrong? Wouldn't Yuan-ge immediately realize they'd all been pretending, putting on a show to fool him? No way. That couldn't happen. Yuan-ge had just gotten out of the psych ward! If he got another shock, what if his condition got worse? Pei Shuo put on a pained expression, doing his best to act like a little brother who had no idea how to comment on his sister-in-law's looks. At the same time, Lin Jianyuan’s brain was working at full speed, trying to play the role of a big brother who was genuinely curious about his little brother’s opinion of his wife’s appearance. After all... after all, he didn’t actually know what his wife looked like. No, that wasn’t quite right. It was more that he didn’t know what his wife looked like in other people’s eyes. That was a fatal flaw. Lin Jianyuan had always worried—if his roommate found out that, to him, he looked like a pile of digestive organs, would he run for the hills? Now that his roommate had become his wife, the anxiety only got worse. It wasn’t just about scaring him off anymore. He was afraid of hurting his wife’s feelings. Logically, he knew his wife wouldn’t leave just because he was sick. After all, she’d stayed with him in the hospital—she knew all about his condition. But anxiety doesn’t listen to reason. That’s why it’s called anxiety. Lin Jianyuan was already mentally ill—what was one more diagnosis of anxiety? So at this moment, both Lin Jianyuan and Pei Shuo were deep in their own performances. Both were racking their brains, trying to figure out how to check each other’s answers without giving themselves away. But neither of them had the right answer. After all, the only clues were these: Male. College student. That was it. There are a million ways a male college student can look! How the hell were they supposed to guess?! "Yuan-ge, spare me," Pei Shuo finally gave up after struggling for ages. "No matter what I say, it just doesn't feel right. I mean... she's your wife, after all." Lin Jianyuan thought about it and realized that made sense. If Pei Shuo dared say his wife wasn’t good-looking, he’d be furious. Couldn’t he see how dazzlingly handsome his wife was? How could she not be good-looking? Just look at those pink intestines! The perfectly functioning liver, gallbladder, spleen, and pancreas! That springy, healthy stomach! So healthy, so full of life, so vibrant! And so clean! Soft and sweet-smelling! And tall! Just a little jump and he could touch the backboard! A pale, slender, sweet-smelling, soft, healthy, and clean college boy—how could he not be good-looking? There was nothing about his wife that wasn’t attractive! Even his wife’s internal organs were beautiful! But if Pei Shuo actually praised his wife’s looks, Lin Jianyuan would still feel a bit annoyed. It was a subtle feeling. Lin Jianyuan hesitated for a moment, then sighed and said, "Alright." Pei Shuo let out a breath of relief. Then Lin Jianyuan asked, "So what do you think of my wife as a person?" Pei Shuo: "???!!!" Lin Jianyuan was just too curious. He really, really wanted to know more about his wife. Pei Shuo was about to cry from the pressure. He honestly had no idea what Yuan-ge’s imaginary wife was like! But when he met Lin Jianyuan’s hopeful gaze, Pei Shuo couldn’t bring himself to let him down. He smiled and said sincerely, "Yuan-ge, honestly, I used to worry about you a lot." Lin Jianyuan eyed him suspiciously. "Huh? Why are you changing the subject?" "It's not a change of subject. You know, Yuan-ge, when I first started, you took me under your wing. You taught me so much—brought me from knowing nothing to where I am now\... Well, I’m still pretty clueless, but still." Pei Shuo rubbed his ear, embarrassed, but his tone was genuine. "You taught me not just about work, but about life too. Honestly, Yuan-ge, I’m really, really grateful." "So when I found out you were sick, I was really worried. But I didn’t know how to help." "But then, a while ago, I noticed you started to open up." "We’re still slogging away at work every day, cursing and grinding, but you don’t seem so weighed down anymore." "How should I put it?" Pei Shuo thought for a moment, then smiled. "It’s like there’s light in your eyes again. Looking back, did things start getting better for you after you met your wife?" That was the truth. And he meant it. No question, Lin Jianyuan’s illness was getting worse. No normal person would fall in love with thin air. But this imaginary lover seemed to be good for Lin Jianyuan. At least in Lin Jianyuan’s eyes, his air-wife cooked, did laundry, cleaned the house. (Even if, in reality, Lin Jianyuan was probably doing all that himself in a sleepwalking daze—Pei Shuo guessed.) (Which made it even sadder.) (Why did being sick mean you had to comfort yourself, too?) ...Anyway, the fact was, Lin Jianyuan’s mood had improved. Thinking about it, Pei Shuo started to worry. What if, someday, Lin Jianyuan realized his wife didn’t exist—could he handle that blow? No point worrying about it now. After three months on the job, the most important life lesson Pei Shuo had learned was: Just get through today. Tomorrow’s problems can wait for tomorrow. Lin Jianyuan fell silent, thinking over Pei Shuo’s words. A second later, the corners of his mouth lifted. Two seconds later, he was grinning ear to ear, unable to hold it back. "Uh, Yuan-ge?" Pei Shuo got nervous seeing him so happy all of a sudden. "Did I say something wrong?" But Lin Jianyuan looked blissful. "You know what? My doctor said the exact same thing as you." Pei Shuo: "Huh?" "My doctor at 700 Jiangchuan North Road. Honestly, he’s met my wife, too. He said my relationship is going well and it’s helping my recovery. Heh, I was surprised. I hadn’t even realized I wasn’t straight, but my doctor saw it right away. He’s a real pro." Pei Shuo: "Huh???" Wait, what? How could he possibly tell?? Could Yuan-ge’s doctor really tell if a cloud of air was male or female? Was he some kind of wizard?? Pei Shuo stared blankly for a second, then caught on. Oh, right—the doctor was probably just playing along with Yuan-ge. ...Which somehow made it even sadder! Was the whole world in on this act? It was like The Truman Show. Pei Shuo couldn’t help but look at him with pity. Lin Jianyuan, lost in his own happiness, didn’t notice the look. He even patted Pei Shuo’s shoulder and said earnestly, "Xiao-Shuo, you’re still single, right? Let me tell you, I used to think there was no point finding a partner. Work is hell, I’m always broke, just surviving takes everything I’ve got—who has the right to date? But once you actually find someone, you get it. Life has something to look forward to. Seriously, even work feels better now\..." Pei Shuo: "Yuan-ge..." He was about to cry. At last, the Truman Show conversation ended. Pei Shuo, tormented inside, held back tears and kept working overtime. Lin Jianyuan, full of hope for his happy future, kept working with gusto. Half an hour later. They finally finished this damned overtime\~ Everyone left work in high spirits—except Pei Shuo, who was left with nowhere to pour out his troubles. Of course, Lin Jianyuan was the happiest of them all. Because he had a wife\~ sk—— sk— No need to skip this time. As long as his wife was with him, even taking the subway over 700 times a year didn’t feel boring. The subway pulled in, pulled out, the cars rattling along the rails. Time, repeated again and again, felt more like time than ever. Lin Jianyuan, tired from overtime, felt sleepy and closed his eyes. His head drooped forward, bobbing against his chest. After a while, a pink intestine reached over and gently propped him up. Since it was under his chin, Lin Jianyuan looked like a peaceful hanged ghost as he slept. …… ... They got home. "What's this?" The hallway light flickered on in their old apartment building, revealing a big cardboard box at Lin Jianyuan and his roommate’s door. His roommate was curious. The duodenum reached out, poking and prodding the box. Lin Jianyuan’s eyes lit up. He bent to pick up the box, calling, "Come here, honey! The good stuff I ordered is here!" The box wasn’t heavy. Lin Jianyuan happily carried it inside and grabbed scissors to open it. His roommate stood by, watching curiously. With a rustle, the box was opened, revealing a layer of hard white packing foam. Lin Jianyuan lifted off the top layer, revealing a robot vacuum inside. No, to be precise—a robot vacuum and mop combo. "Honey, you won’t have to sweep and mop anymore," Lin Jianyuan said, carefully lifting the robot out. "Just change the water tank every day." "Oh." His roommate’s mouth curled up. That simple "oh" was somehow soft and content. Lin Jianyuan smiled, too. The robot was out of the box. It was flat and round, white, like a millstone. Man and intestine crouched on the floor to look at it. Click, click, click—Lin Jianyuan followed the manual, installing each accessory. His roommate crouched nearby, the appendix swaying left and right, watching. Even though the digestive system had no eyes, Lin Jianyuan could feel his curious gaze. It was probably his roommate’s first time seeing a robot vacuum, too. It was Lin Jianyuan’s first time as well, but he was older, after all. So he had to act calm and collected. "Pretty easy to set up," Lin Jianyuan said breezily, sneaking glances at the manual to make sure he hadn’t missed a step. "Yeah, it really is." The soft intestine reached over, patting and poking at various parts. His roommate was as curious as a cat about the robot. "The water tank is... oh, here." Lin Jianyuan followed the manual and opened the top of the robot’s base. Two plastic water tanks appeared, one on each side. The tanks were light but felt sturdy in his hand. They snapped shut with a satisfying click. Lin Jianyuan filled one at the bathroom sink, weighed it, and nodded—solid quality, tight lid, no risk of spilling everywhere. No wonder it was the most expensive, high-end model. He glanced at the manual again and explained, "Left side is the dirty water, right side is clean. Just add water to the clean tank and empty the dirty one every day, snap both switches closed, and you’re good." "Oh, got it." His roommate listened carefully. "It’s fine, just letting you know." Lin Jianyuan smiled and pinched his throat. "I’ll change the water before I leave for work, but if the floor’s really dirty, it might run out early. If you’re home, just help top it up, okay?" Roommate: "How will I know when it’s out of clean water?" "It’ll call for help." His roommate laughed. "How does it call?" "It’ll yell—" Lin Jianyuan suddenly tackled his roommate, pinning him down and shouting, "Help! Help!" Roommate: "Ahh?" Lin Jianyuan, mischievous, started tickling his most sensitive spot—the right colon. His roommate laughed so hard his intestines shook, the warm, soft small intestine coiling around Lin Jianyuan’s wrist like a snake. "Stop it!" His roommate pulled his hands away. "What does 'help' even mean?" His roommate seemed gentle, but who knew he was so strong? With a tug, Lin Jianyuan’s arms were effortlessly spread apart. Lin Jianyuan didn’t mind at all. He did a push-up and kissed his roommate on the lips. He said, "You don’t know? It’s an old meme. One person says, 'Even if you scream for help, no one will save you.' Then the other yells, 'Help! Help!'" His roommate tried it, shouting "Help! Help!" a few times, then burst out laughing, his whole digestive tract shaking. "That sounds so funny." "Why do you find everything funny? Your sense of humor is so low," Lin Jianyuan teased, nuzzling his throat with his nose. The warm, soft esophagus pressed close, and Lin Jianyuan could feel his roommate’s Adam’s apple move. His roommate’s voice was full of laughter, the duodenum hooking around his neck, soft and sweet: "Because I really do want to laugh. When I’m with you, I just want to laugh." "Me too." Lin Jianyuan couldn’t stop smiling, but he put on a serious face. "That’s what being in love is like. You’re doomed—you’re head over heels for me." Roommate: "You’re not head over heels for me?" "I do, I do, I love you to death," Lin Jianyuan replied, pretending to be casual, but ended up laughing again. Man and intestine tangled on the floor, roughhousing and laughing. After a while, they remembered the robot vacuum’s top was still open. They scrambled up and got back to fiddling with the robot. After a bit, the robot beeped and rolled out of its base! Roommate: "Wow!" Lin Jianyuan: "Wow!" They both quickly stepped aside. Roommate: "Where’s it going now?" Lin Jianyuan said, "No idea. Probably scanning the apartment first. It’ll make its own map." Roommate: "Oh, cool." The robot started roaming around the apartment. Man and intestine followed it everywhere. Robot went east; they followed east. Robot went west; they followed west. Robot hit a corner, realized it was a corner, turned around. They watched, curious, to see where it would go next. But suddenly, the robot stopped moving. "Why isn’t it moving?" His roommate tapped its head with an intestine. Lin Jianyuan studied the manual for a while, then fiddled with the app, and finally had an epiphany. "Are we in its way?" They both stepped aside. The robot whirred back to life. It rolled right between them. The robot said nothing, yet somehow said everything. Even through its plastic shell, you could feel the robot’s exasperation. Man and intestine exchanged a glance, then burst out laughing. Lin Jianyuan had seen robot vacuums before, and he didn’t think they were all that high-tech. But this was the first time he’d owned one himself. Or rather, it was the first time he’d bought something for his home. Home was a strange thing. A house isn’t a home. Family isn’t always home, either. So what is home? "Why does it go back to rest after cleaning a room?" The pink digestive system floated in the air, still chasing the robot around. "Oh, it’s washing the mop," his roommate said, crouching by the base, tilting his "head" to listen to the hum of water inside. Lin Jianyuan smiled and crouched beside him. They watched the robot work for them. Even the robot worked so hard—Lin Jianyuan felt like working hard himself. They watched the robot sweep and mop, and half an hour slipped by. When Lin Jianyuan stood up, his legs were numb. He laughed and said, "Damn, we look like a couple of idiots." His roommate laughed, too. "Yeah, two idiots. Hahaha." Night. Lin Jianyuan fell asleep. In sleep, Lin Jianyuan looked peaceful and calm. None of the agitation from work, none of the playful energy from goofing around with his roommate. Just a human. A sleeping human being. This is what humans look like when they sleep. The digestive system quietly "watched" him. The appendix tapped, tap tap, against the foot of the bed. It was the only bit of him sticking out. The rest was tucked under the blanket. Held close by Lin Jianyuan’s arm. Only the appendix, that little tail, was left out. Tap, tap. Lin Jianyuan breathed evenly, eyes closed. Humans’ chests rise and fall as they sleep. As they wake. Humans breathe. In—out— What does breathing feel like? The digestive system didn’t know. It had no lungs. But it wanted to know. So the digestive system lifted itself up. chu\~ And kissed the tip of the human’s nose. In— Out— Human breath brushed against its mucous membrane. The throat moved slowly, warm, damp tissue cooled by the air. Body heat faded so easily. It was so easy to become different from a human. So it wanted to snuggle close. Stay close to its human. The digestive system lowered its "head," pressing it to the human’s cheek. It didn’t really understand, but humans seemed to like this. Snuggle. Nuzzle. And the human would give it warmth. How interesting. How funny. The digestive system wanted to laugh again. Its mouth curled up. Smile. The night stretched on. Humans needed sleep, but the digestive system didn’t. It only got sleepy when it ate too much. It used to eat all night, one thing after another. But at some point, it had stayed here. Eating only this one. How strange. How funny. chu\~ It couldn’t help kissing the human again. Its human. How odd. Why did humans like to kiss? After it kissed Lin Jianyuan, Xiaohongshu started showing it more and more kissing videos. So strange. It didn’t really get it. But it seemed to like kissing, too. chu\~ The warm, soft pink digestive system, hidden under the covers, snuggled up to its human. The stomach wanted to cuddle, the intestines wanted to cuddle. So did the liver, gallbladder, spleen, and pancreas. Come to think of it, humans had those, too. The digestive system vaguely realized this. —Humans seemed to have the same parts. A "digestive system." So it tried to line up its own stomach below the human’s sternum, where the stomach should be. Gurgle. It heard gastric juices bubbling. Right spot. Next, the liver. Tap tap. Here were ribs. Tap tap. Here, below the ribs. Beneath the skin was the liver. Then the intestines. Duodenum, jejunum, ileum. Cecum, appendix, colon, rectum. Gurgle. So humans’ intestines made these noises, too. The digestive system slowly, bit by bit, lined itself up. Pressing against the human’s organs, through skin and muscle. But—it wasn’t enough. Still not enough. So much was missing. So much more. The digestive system remembered it had hands now, so it brought them out. It pried open the human’s curled fingers and slipped its own hand inside. Snuggle. Right. It remembered. Humans had feet, too. Like the white moonlight in Lin Jianyuan’s dreams. Ten fingers, ten toes—so funny. Fingers out in the open, toes hidden in socks and shoes—so funny. Feet were useless to the digestive system, but it grew them anyway. Oh, and legs. Otherwise, where would the feet go? Legs and feet joined at the ankle, just like when wearing flip-flops. So now it had hands and feet. But still missing so much. So much. How annoying. Like humans adding WeChat and then having to open Moments. Like humans not only having to go to work but also needing to sleep. "So annoying." The digestive system pouted in annoyance. Humans had so many parts, it didn’t even have the patience to look at anatomy diagrams anymore. There was a faster way. Heh heh. The faster way was— chu\~ The digestive system kissed its human. Time to copy the homework in his dreams. chu\~ Can’t remember? Copy it again. chu\~\~\~ Still can’t remember? One more time. After who knows how many kisses— Gurgle— "Hmm?" The digestive system was surprised. Its intestines gurgled, but not from hunger—from tasting food. Food? How did its human’s mind have something it could eat? Nice! Every time the human went to work, he secretly got tastier! The digestive system puffed up, gallbladder and pancreas swelling, ready to secrete digestive juices. It pounced and devoured the human’s mouth. But halfway through, the digestive system stopped. Angel Eyeball: "..." Abyssal Maw: "..." Angel Eyeball, incredulous: "What is Xie Yu doing..." Abyssal Maw: "Why does it look like it's eating in such a weird way?" Squish Toy growled, "Shut up! It’s savoring!" Angel Eyeball & Abyssal Maw: "???" Little Rock shook its head. "Sigh." Sure enough, the digestive system smacked its lips. It tilted its "head," smacked its lips again. After a while, Xie Yu turned to the Aberrants and asked, confused: "What’s installment payment? And what does 'three periods interest-free' mean?" Squish Toy, Little Rock, Abyssal Maw, Angel Eyeball: "???" How the hell should we know? We’re not human! Go ask a human about human stuff!