Chapter 13

Chapter 13 Why Can’t People Go to Work Every Day

“What’s going on?” Lin Jianyuan finally set down his chopsticks and stared at the stage in surprise.

Roommate: “You finally…”

Lin Jianyuan: “Didn’t the bride already enter? Why is the Wedding March playing again? That’s a serious screwup. They’re done for—the wedding company’s going to have to pay through the nose.”

Roommate: “…”

The roommate snorted a laugh—pfft.

“Oh, true,” the roommate drawled, smiling. “They’re toast.”

“There are just way too many bubbles!”

Lin Jianyuan batted away the soap bubbles drifting into his face, frowning. “Sure, it’s dreamy, but it’s gross, and a real safety hazard. When these pop on the floor, one step and you’ll slip. Be careful when you stand up.”

He’d only brought his roommate to mooch a meal; he wasn’t about to send the guy to the hospital with a fracture.

“…” The roommate said nothing, just kept grinning.

Smooching sounds went on all around them. Some couples were making out, some were cuddled up discussing future baby names, and a few even stood up, hand in hand, declaring they were off to the Civil Affairs Bureau to register right now.

“We’re going too!”

“And us!”

“All together!”

The whole table emptied out on the spot!

They left behind a whole table of barely touched dishes: steamed lobster; sea cucumber in scallion oil; braised abalone; Dongpo pork hock; roast suckling pig; roast squab; old hen stewed with cordyceps flowers; swimmer crab stir-fried with salted egg yolk…

Lin Jianyuan fell into thought.

He’d known from the start that something was off.

No kidding. He might be mentally ill, but he wasn’t blind. The crowd around him had all simultaneously become love-struck and these pink soap bubbles floating everywhere—obviously not right.

The question was, which parts were hallucination and which were real?

If he were at the office, Lin Jianyuan would’ve punched these hallucinations to bits already.

He couldn’t stand people going off the rails.

But it was someone’s wedding, after all; he didn’t want to make a scene.

Anyway, what did their love-brain have to do with him?

Maybe, in reality, they were just swept up in the romance of the venue and suddenly wanted to date, to get married.

All these pink bubbles—hard to argue with the mood.

But these bubbles were, honestly, in the way.

Bubbles were falling from the air like confetti, and not a single dish on the table was spared.

Every plate had a little heap of bubbles. How were you supposed to eat this?

At last, Lin Jianyuan snapped: “I can’t take it anymore!”

Roommate: “Huh?”

In a blur, Lin Jianyuan’s hand shot out, and he jabbed his finger to pop the bubbles in his rice bowl and his glass.

Then he leaned over and popped the ones in his roommate’s dishes.

Then he swiveled and went after the bubbles over by the couple at the next table, who were locked in a passionate tongue-kiss.

Bubbles burst one after another with crisp little pops.

Even that wasn’t enough for him.

He braced himself and went down the line, poking every single dish on the table.

Pop pop pop!

“Sorry, sorry…” Lin Jianyuan apologized as he kept poking.

He knew he was having an episode!

He knew there couldn’t actually be this many bubbles! How could there be? No matter how dumb the wedding staff were, they wouldn’t just let this many bubbles fall into the food!

Just like, no matter how romantic the scene, a hundred guests weren’t all going to come down with love-brain at once! Absolutely impossible!

Hallucinations. It had to be hallucinations!

Then why were these hallucinations so damn annoying—aaagh!

He really couldn’t stand these soap bubbles anymore! His skull ached! And that cloying sweetness shooting straight to the crown—it was drowning him; he could barely breathe!

Poke!

Poke poke poke poke!

Popping bubbles was oddly therapeutic. Lin Jianyuan’s stress let go at once.

Once he’d cleared the bubbles on his table, he started popping the ones floating overhead and skittering along the floor. When his table was done, he bolted over to the next table, which had emptied out, and went to work there.

—No way the whole table actually ran off to City Hall together! He’d made that up—pure headcanon, a warped read on reality!

“Sorry, sorry, sorry…” he babbled as he popped away.

People whose bubbles burst froze where they stood, then, seeing clearly who they were clinging to, shrieked and sprang apart.

Lin Jianyuan had no time for the guests anymore. He’d finally spotted the culprit blowing the bubbles.

A—giant spider?!

On a wrecked banquet table, a massive spider was steadily blowing bubbles from its mouth.

Its body was the size of a basketball, and its long legs were nearly as thick as an adult’s forearm.

Blub-blub—more bubbles burbled from its mouth. The pink bubbles swelled as it blew, drifting out in slow clouds until they filled the banquet hall.

Lin Jianyuan stood there staring at the spider, a little at sea.

“How many legs does a spider have?” he asked.

At some point his roommate had appeared at his elbow. “Eight.”

“And a crab?”

“Ten.”

He pointed at the table. “Then this blub-blub bubble-blower…”

Shot back without missing a beat, “A crab that’s lost two legs.”

Ding!

Epiphany!

I knew it! How could there be a giant spider in a banquet hall!

It could only be—a giant crab!

And judging by the size, not your run-of-the-mill crab!

—A king crab!!

“Since everyone at this table’s cleared out anyway, why don’t we…”

“Take it home and eat it?”

Lin Jianyuan turned his head and the two of them shared a “look.”

He couldn’t keep the smile off his lips.

In perfect sync, they stepped up and reached for the big, claw-thrashing brute in the center of the table.

Blub-blub-blub—

The king crab suddenly spat a great mouthful of pink bubbles!

Caught off guard, Lin Jianyuan took it full in the face.

The cloying, sticky pink bubbles flooded his windpipe, making him hack and cough as he wiped at his face blindly.

As his vision cleared from blur to focus, a beaming middle-aged auntie appeared before him.

Her fingers heavy with gold and gemstone rings, she patted his shoulder.

“Lin, dear, you don’t need to try so hard. Auntie’s got a bit of money. From now on, just stick with Auntie—let me take care of you!”

Lin Jianyuan: !!!

“Fallen for me?” Xie Yu asked, amused, watching him.

Lin Jianyuan’s cheeks were flushed, his breathing quick, eyes wide and fixed on him.

Smitten was written all over his face.

Smiling, Xie Yu met his gaze; his eyes flicked to the corner and back. “The [Desire Spider] is about to bolt, you know.”

Without blinking, Lin Jianyuan snapped off one of the Desire Spider’s legs with a crack. “Auntie, you eat.”

“Thanks.” He had no idea why he was being referred to as Auntie, but Xie Yu obliged.

Crunch, crunch—he chewed the spider leg with relish.

Desire Spider: …

“Auntie, your bite is amazing. You chew so well.” Lin Jianyuan smiled, sincere in his praise, and with another crack snapped off a second leg.

“Right? I think so too.” Xie Yu replied primly, a smile playing at his lips, and kept chewing, chewing, chewing.

Desire Spider: ………………

One fed while the other chewed, and in no time they’d made short work of the Desire Spider.

“No more,” Lin Jianyuan said, looking at his now-empty hand.

Xie Yu looked at his hand, crosshatched with bleeding cuts.

The Desire Spider’s legs were spined; they’d pricked his hand bloody, and he hadn’t even noticed.

Pop.

Pink bubbles burst one after another; a length of intestine coiled around Lin Jianyuan’s hand.

Xie Yu dipped his head, extended his tongue, and gave the bloody hole in the center of his palm a lick.

The wound sealed over instantly.

He sucked in a sharp breath. Eyes wide, Lin Jianyuan yanked his hand back. “Why is there a dog?!”

Xie Yu: “………………”

That night. 21:00.

“Report, Captain Shi! All civilians have been evacuated! We’re clearing contamination and related memories!”

“Report, Captain Shi! On-site contamination level is 143; residuals are pheromone bubbles, all contained!”

“Report, Captain Shi! Preliminary judgment: target is a C-class Aberrant [Desire Spider], but the body hasn’t been found!”

“Report, Captain Shi! ……”

Listening to the stream of reports, the masked man at the center of the ballroom waved them off, impatient.

“Got it, got it! Same as last time, yeah? Residual contamination with no body to be found.”

Same as last time—the Time Thief case.

A-class Aberrant [Time Thief].

Last time they’d clearly captured the Time Thief’s imprint, yet following the trail of residual contamination turned up nothing.

Midway, the Time Thief’s imprint even plunged, contamination levels dropping so low they couldn’t be measured.

There are only two possibilities in a case like that.

One: the Time Thief used some method to hide its contamination imprint.

Two: it was swallowed by an even more powerful Aberrant.

Since the Time Thief’s contamination imprint was never detected again, the Bureau has temporarily shelved the pursuit.

Unexpectedly, the same thing happened again today.

At 18:18 in the evening, the imprint of C-class Aberrant [Desire Spider] triggered an alarm.

The field team scrambled at once, but before they could reach the scene, the Desire Spider’s imprint had already plunged.

High-precision detectors could still pick up a faint imprint, which meant the Desire Spider wasn’t dead.

But the imprint was being powerfully suppressed, making it impossible to pin down its body’s location.

Two overtime callouts in a row and both times we came up empty—ridiculous.

“Captain Shi, what do we do next?”

Team members in black combat suits crowded in.

“What else can we do?” The masked man—sharp-browed, bright-eyed—flapped a hand, thoroughly put out. “Go home and sleep, obviously! Off work!”

Night.

In the bedroom, Lin Jianyuan was snoring away.

The squishy thief was set on the bedside table beside his charging phone, so the instant the alarm went off it could let Lin Jianyuan sleep five more minutes.

Rustle, rustle.

The meat-pink shadow arrived right on schedule.

Used to that one’s nightly sneak attacks, the squish toy no longer batted an eye.

Even so, when it saw the digestive system open its mouth and suck on Lin Jianyuan’s head like a lollipop, it couldn’t help turning away and giving its antennae a little shiver.

“Pervert,” the squish toy swore to itself.

But this time, the digestive system sucking on Lin Jianyuan’s head didn’t show its usual happy grin.

“Hm?” It seemed puzzled. Unsure, it sucked again.

"?" Squishy thief backed away, goosebumps crawling over his skin.

What is this filthy Aberrant up to now?

Digestive System spat Lin Jianyuan’s head out of its mouth, cupped his face, and looked him over left and right, puzzled.

"Is it because you didn't go to work today?" murmured Digestive System.

Squish toy: "?"

As if unwilling to give up, Digestive System leaned in again and flicked its tongue over Lin Jianyuan’s Adam’s apple.

Then, disappointed, it set Lin Jianyuan down.

"Why can't people go to work every day?" Digestive System said regretfully.

Squish toy: "!"

What a dumbass thing to say!