Chapter 44

Chapter 44: Why are you so dirty-minded?

Lin Jianyuan’s mind raced. He didn’t want to lie to his roommate, but he couldn’t reveal his illness either.

There was a reason he made a living off creativity.

He answered almost instantly, “It’s you.”

His roommate blinked, confused. “Me?”

Lin Jianyuan nodded, serious. “Yeah, you.”

His roommate: “...”

The rumbling in his gut stopped.

His roommate looked puzzled, but before he could ask, Lin Jianyuan added, “The you I imagine.”

Roommate: “Huh?”

Lin Jianyuan rubbed his nose, a little embarrassed. “Honestly, my ultimate fantasy for a wife is that he does my laundry. Underwear, specifically.”

That was true.

He really hated washing underwear.

It wasn’t just underwear—he hated doing any laundry.

Work just wore him out.

His rental had a washing machine, but it was an ancient drum model. Clothes came out tangled, the drum was huge, and it guzzled water.

So he’d let clothes pile up for days before washing them all at once.

But underwear was different. You had to change it daily.

No one would run the machine just for a pair of boxers—or even with socks thrown in. Not even Lin Jianyuan, mental illness or not.

So he had to wash them by hand.

Usually, he’d just bring his underwear into the shower and give them a quick scrub.

Even then, it felt like too much trouble.

He knew he was just lazy. But if work weren’t so exhausting, would he really mind washing a bit of laundry?

On weekends without overtime, he actually didn’t mind doing chores.

But the problem was, even weekends often meant overtime.

So really, it was all work’s fault.

So he wasn’t lying to his roommate.

As embarrassing as it was, his ultimate kink was having his wife do his laundry.

Simple, unglamorous, and a little pathetic.

He didn’t want to lie to his wife, but he couldn’t admit he had no idea what he looked like. This was the only way out, flimsy and risky as it was.

After all, in his mind, his wife was tall, slim, and so pale he glowed. But what if, in reality, he was a buff, dark-skinned athlete?

He’d never be able to explain his way out of that.

His roommate listened, still silent, but the rumbling started up again.

Lin Jianyuan: “...”

Okay, okay. At least he didn’t seem any angrier.

So, his wife probably wasn’t a buff, dark-skinned jock.

Lin Jianyuan pressed his advantage. “But don’t worry, I’ll change my underwear and socks every day, wash them in the shower, and always get into bed clean.”

He remembered a joke he’d seen online and added, “And I’ll never wear my outside pants to bed.”

His roommate liked things clean—his wife was always neat and fresh, too. He’d have to keep up, or risk being disliked.

Sure enough, his roommate’s lips curled into a smile.

“Good. No outside pants,” his roommate said gently. “I like not wearing them, too.”

Lin Jianyuan: “?”

Was it his imagination, or did his wife mean something else by that?

Was he hinting at what he thought he was?

Lin Jianyuan raised an eyebrow, teasing. “Why are you so dirty-minded?”

“This is dirty-minded?” his roommate said, a smile in his voice. “I don’t get it.”

“Don’t play dumb.” Lin Jianyuan wanted to pinch his ear, but everyone knew the digestive system didn’t have ears.

So he settled for pinching his wife’s throat instead.

His roommate was ticklish, squirming away from his grip. The slender, soft esophagus twisted like a newborn pink snake.

They horsed around until Lin Jianyuan glanced at the clock and jumped up. “Enough, I have to get to work.”

He slipped on his shoes, stuffed the squish toy and the little stone in his pocket, and headed out.

On the subway, skipping stops in a daze, he couldn’t help thinking, “If only I weren’t the only crazy one. Then my wife and I could pause time together—even just five minutes in bed would be a blast.”

Squish toy: “Huh?”

Huh???

My top-tier time control powers, and you’re using me as a timer for fooling around?!

Crushed flat in his pocket, the squish toy thief looked at the little stone with tears in its eyes. “Is this right? Do you hear this? Is this how people talk? I’m an A-class Aberrant, for crying out loud…”

The little stone said coolly, “And yet here you are, squished and squashed by an ordinary human.”

Squish toy: “...”

Squish toy: “Aren’t you the same?”

Little stone: “I haven’t been squished or squashed.”

Squish toy: “You got ground to dust in a mortar.”

Little stone: “You got stomped flat and stuck to a shoe sole—couldn’t even peel you off.”

Squish toy: “You got kicked through a door and bounced around like a flea.”

Little stone: “...Enough talk. Let’s fight!”

Squish toy: “Bring it! Who’s scared of you? Let’s go!!!”

The little stone and the squish toy barked at each other from either side of Lin Jianyuan’s pocket.

Before their barking finished—

Whap.

Lin Jianyuan grabbed the squish toy and moved it from his left pocket to his right.

Squish toy: “?”

Little stone: “?”

Lin Jianyuan, in high spirits: “Go on. Fight!”

Squish toy: “...”

Little stone: “...”

The two toys fell silent, eyeing each other, not daring to make a sound in Lin Jianyuan’s pocket.

You’ve got to be kidding.

This wasn’t just any pocket.

This was the pocket of a human marked by Xie Yu himself!

sk——

Sk—

Lin Jianyuan’s apartment.

In the bathroom, the digestive system eyed Lin Jianyuan’s underwear drying by the window with great interest.

The boxers were half dry, plain gray cotton.

The digestive system turned and spotted laundry detergent on the sink.

A coil of intestine wrapped around the big bulk bottle and hefted it. It was heavy.

But it had no idea how to do laundry.

No matter.

The digestive system pulled out a phone and, with practiced ease, tapped in a search using its pancreatic head:

“How to wash underwear.”

Instantly, Little Sweet Potato filled with tutorials.

“How to properly wash underwear.”

“Is a special underwear washer a scam?”

“Step-by-step boyfriend’s guide to washing your girlfriend’s underwear.”

“Share this with your boyfriend: the right way to wash underwear.”

The digestive system read through them all carefully, then realized there was a problem.

Washing underwear required hands.

But it had no hands.

No problem.

A minor detail.

The digestive system studied itself, picked a suitable spot, and grew a pair of hands.

Long, pale, elegant fingers.

They were modeled after Lin Jianyuan’s moonlit dream girl.

It hadn’t studied human hands much, but those hands had appeared again and again in Lin Jianyuan’s dreams, always bathed in soft light, always in close-up.

If the squish toy were here, it would never again complain about being used as a toy by humans.

Because even S-class beings—

—were doing humans’ laundry.

—End scene.

Lin Jianyuan arrived at work and headed straight to HR to check back in from his sick leave.

Usually, for outpatient visits, he’d just take half a day off, hand over his records and doctor’s note, and that was that.

But this time he’d been hospitalized for three days. Before discharge, he’d asked Dr. Cen for every possible document, just in case HR started nitpicking.

Even so, HR still said he was missing something.

“Diagnosis certificate?” Lin Jianyuan was baffled. “Why do I need that? I already gave you my medical records. I got a prescription, I’m on medication—what more proof do you need that I’m sick?”

“It’s not about proving you’re sick,” said Yang Yu from HR. “It’s just standard procedure. Without the right documents, I can’t stamp your form.”

Lin Jianyuan was about to reply when his phone rang. It was Jiang Chen.

Jiang Chen knew he was back and immediately dumped work on him, sounding pissed off, as if Lin Jianyuan’s two days in the hospital had ruined everything and now he had to pay for it.

Classic Jiang Chen—one call and Lin Jianyuan’s hard-won calm was gone, replaced by simmering anger.

“Hold on, I’ll talk to you when I’m back. I’m in HR right now,” Lin Jianyuan said, swallowing his irritation. He hung up and turned to Yang Yu. “So all I’m missing is the diagnosis certificate? Will a digital copy do?”

Yang Yu: “We need both digital and paper copies, stamped by the hospital. Also, bring your hospital invoice and expense sheet. And your leave application and return form—fill them out here, make sure the dates are right, get your supervisor’s signature, scan and upload as a PDF, and bring the originals later...”

“Wait, hold on.” Lin Jianyuan raised a hand. “I’m just checking back from leave, not claiming expenses. Why do you need my hospital invoice?”

Yang Yu was getting impatient too. “That’s just company policy! If you have time to argue, you could’ve just gotten the documents and saved us both trouble. I’m busy here!”

By the time he left HR, Lin Jianyuan was thoroughly infected with “work stink”—seething, resentful, and completely confused.

He pulled the squish toy and the little stone out of his pocket. “What did she say I needed again?”

Squish toy: “Huh?”

Little stone: “Something about digital and paper copies, hospital stamps... I lost track after that.”

Lin Jianyuan snapped, “Aren’t you two my alternate personalities? How can you not remember? Useless!”

Squish toy & little stone: “???”

Wait, when did we become your alternate personalities?

And why should alternate personalities have to remember this stuff anyway??

The more he thought about it, the angrier he got. He could just imagine the epic eye-roll he’d get if he went back to ask Yang Yu again.

Damn it, can’t people just speak clearly?

He didn’t get it. He was just here to check back from sick leave—why so much paperwork?

Was Yang Yu even right? This whole process looked more like expense reimbursement than sick leave.

The worst part was, he couldn’t even remember what Yang Yu had rattled off—if he went back to argue, he wouldn’t know where to start.

Just as he was stewing, a projection appeared in front of his eyes.

It showed Yang Yu, rattling off the list of required documents.

Lin Jianyuan: “?”

He looked around, suspicious. There was no projector—where was this coming from?

Wait.

The more he watched, the more he realized: this was his own first-person perspective.

He smacked his forehead, suddenly enlightened.

Of course. He was having another episode.

He’d almost forgotten he was mentally ill.

His symptoms might be getting worse, but at least his illness was getting more useful.

He watched the first-person replay carefully. Still couldn’t remember the list.

His broken brain kindly replayed it two more times.

Now he finally got it.

“This is just the reimbursement process!” Lin Jianyuan fumed.

Forget it. He’d have to go to the hospital anyway, might as well get everything at once and save himself more HR hassle.

He grumbled his way toward the office.

In his pocket, the squish toy bumped into the plush Angel Eyeball.

Squish toy: “So you’re not dead. I thought you were.”

Angel Eyeball: “...”

Squish toy teased, “What, you’re doing grunt work now too?”

Angel Eyeball: “...”

Squish toy: “A proud A-class Aberrant, reduced to a portable projector...”

Angel Eyeball: “...”

Squish toy: “Did you like Xie Yu’s big throat? Hm? Want to get chewed by those big teeth again?”

Angel Eyeball: “...#”

“Hey, lay off,” the little stone said lazily. “We’re all in the same boat now. We’ve all been solidified by digestive juices, so we can’t make trouble. The big-eyed rookie here should call us seniors. We should teach him the rules for working under Lin Jianyuan—otherwise, what if he crosses Xie Yu again?”

Angel Eyeball: “...###”

He’d been about to snap, but hearing “cross Xie Yu” made him behave.

“...Tell me,” Angel Eyeball said in a low voice.

Squish toy: “What?”

Angel Eyeball: “Tell me, what things piss off Xie Yu?”

Squish toy (exaggerated): “What did you call me? I didn’t catch that—what did you call me?”

Angel Eyeball: “...######”

Angel Eyeball gritted his teeth, took a deep breath, and said, “...Senior. It’s my first day on the job. I don’t know the ropes. Please tell me what I need to watch out for here.”

Squish toy: “Hehehehe~”

Now that’s satisfying!