Chapter 9

Chapter 9: Here Comes Another One Who's Not Afraid to Die

Thanks to the little Squishy Thief, Lin Jianyuan was home in a second on the rush-hour subway.

A second is a second, though—his body still felt genuinely tired. After all, he was just a crazy person amusing himself; he hadn't actually caught a magical snail that could bend time.

That said, having an extra "skip" button in life was undeniably convenient.

Lin Jianyuan walked home in a good mood, lugging a bag of frogs, the setting sun behind him melting into a warm picture.

The key slid into the lock, and even before the door opened Lin Jianyuan could almost hear, "You're back!"

"You're back." The pink digestive system floated into view.

Lin Jianyuan smiled and set the large bag of frogs on the shoe cabinet by the entryway.

"So many," The pink digestive system drifted over, cocking its 'head' to appraise the frogs. "How do you manage to bring home so many every day?"

Lin Jianyuan: "Company perks."

Lin Jianyuan expected his roommate to say something polite like "Your company has great benefits," but instead he only curved his mouth slightly, grabbed the frogs, and headed into the kitchen.

Soon the stove clicked on. Lin Jianyuan slipped into his house slippers and, curious, went to the kitchen—only to find The pink digestive system cooking again.

One segment of intestine pinched a frog and peeled it one by one as if undressing it.

Another segment looped itself around a cleaver and sliced the peeled frogs in half across the body.

A third segment lifted the lid and checked the steam to see if the water was boiling.

There was clearly only one intestine from end to end, but it was so long it could be used in sections at once.

The flurry of writhing intestines put Lin Jianyuan in a strangely good mood; he couldn't help admiring how efficient his roommate was in the kitchen.

"Are you studying or still in school?" Lin Jianyuan asked, leaning in the doorway with his hands in his pockets.

The pink digestive system: "Huh?"

"Oh, sorry, my tongue slipped," Lin Jianyuan corrected. "I meant, are you working?"

The pink digestive system: "Nope."

Lin Jianyuan figured it made sense—no wonder he was always around the apartment looking so empty; probably a junior or senior with few classes.

His roommate worked quickly; before long a steaming plate of frogs in sour soup was ready.

The aroma hooked his nose; he couldn't help tilting his head back and taking a few deep sniffs.

The air was thick with an appetizing sour-soup scent; the broth was rich and golden, utterly tempting.

Cleaned and cut, the frogs were piled into a small mountain in the bowl, with pickled vegetables and dried chiles bobbing in the broth.

A solid, hearty bowl.

Before serving, his roommate sprinkled on white sesame and ladled a spoonful of hot oil over it.

The hot oil set off an instant explosion of sesame and chili fragrance. The snow-white frog meat sizzled under the oil; the golden, chili-specked broth looked perfect with rice.

Lin Jianyuan stared, mouth watering uncontrollably.

"Come eat," his roommate said, setting out two sets of bowls and chopsticks.

"No, no, no, I'm fine," Lin Jianyuan waved off quickly. It wasn't politeness—he suddenly remembered the "frogs" in front of him weren't frogs at all but clementines.

So that steaming, tangy, mouthwatering bowl of golden, chili-oil frogs was actually a bowl of golden, chili-oil clementines!

With that thought he was suddenly not hungry—yeah right!

How could it smell so good? The sour-spicy aroma was eerily convincing! And those "frogs" soaking in the broth—his roommate was damn good at plating!

The frogs' bony, meaty-less upper halves had been stacked below as a base, and the plump, snow-white "legs" were artfully arranged on top to tempt you—solid, meaty-looking everywhere!

It looks way too delicious!!!

No—no way!

These are clementines, clementines, clementines—and they were spat out of Jiang Chen’s throat!

Wait, that’s wrong—if it came out of Jiang Chen’s throat it’s a frog. If it’s a sugar tangerine then some colleague must have bought it at the fruit shop before the meeting.

Lin Jianyuan got dizzy trying to untangle his own thoughts. Two seconds later he remembered—does it even matter?

He’s already lost it; isn’t randomly eating things part of that?

Dig in!

Lin Jianyuan decisively picked up his chopsticks and decided not to stand on ceremony—after all, as his roommate had said, that frog/clementine was his haul. Why be polite to himself?

So the two of them sat at the table. Lin Jianyuan and his new roommate ate their first meal together since meeting.

I have to admit, even knowing rationally that the roommate is a person and not a digestive tract, watching a length of intestine use chopsticks to stuff a frog into a mouth was strangely fascinating.

Watching a lone mouth chew, chew, chew was oddly compelling.

Watching the throat swallow and the esophagus ripple was even more compelling.

Like one of those medical instructional videos…

Weirdly interesting.

After dinner, Lin Jianyuan volunteered to wash the dishes. The pink digestive system floated beside him, watching with keen interest.

“This is honestly the first time I’ve seen you like this,” The pink digestive system said.

Lin Jianyuan: “It’s the first time I’ve seen someone like you too…”—someone in the shape of entrails.

The pink digestive system didn’t reply. When Lin Jianyuan turned his head he caught him with the corner of his mouth curved in a small smile.

To be honest, the little lift at the lip looked pretty nice—if he didn’t only have one mouth.

No, of course he wasn’t only a single mouth. He’s human—human—human…

Once he accepted that the other was a person, Lin Jianyuan suddenly felt the scene was off.

Two grown men squeezed into this tiny kitchen—one washing dishes, the other standing at the side smiling and watching.

Kinda gay, isn’t it?

Lin Jianyuan hurriedly finished the dishes and said, “Thanks for the hospitality. I’m heading back to my room.”

The pink digestive system: “Mm.”

Lin Jianyuan went back to his room, played on his phone for a bit, showered, and went to bed.

Late at night.

A length of intestine looped around the doorknob and slipped silently into Lin Jianyuan’s room.

The little snail squeeze-toy that had been shoved into a corner of the backpack—already limp and nearly asleep—instantly tensed. Its soft, bouncy body went rigid as if plunged into liquid nitrogen, fragile enough to shatter with a tap.

“What are you looking at?” The digestive system loosened its jaw like a giant python and, with a certain grace, swallowed Lin Jianyuan’s head.

It didn’t rush to chew; instead it sucked and tasted the richly flavored head as if savoring a lollipop.

The snail squeeze-toy let out a terrified "eek," curled itself tighter into the backpack, and kept repeating, “I didn’t see anything, I didn’t see anything.”

Gulping down negative emotions, the digestive system’s mouth curved up in pleasure. The real feeding was only beginning now—the thick, honey-like intensity of feelings was its favorite food.

Swallowing itself became almost a pleasure; it devoured greedily, insatiable, even the tips of its teeth tingled.

It wanted to take a bite.

It wanted to bite the head clean off.

“I didn’t d-d-d-see anything, didn’t see anything, didn’t see anything…” the little squeeze-toy thief was reciting the phrase like a mantra.

“Yeah right. You followed him all day…” The digestive system, with an entire human head in its mouth, mumbled indistinctly, “If you still claim you ‘saw nothing,’ then you might as well die.”

“Eek!” The squeeze-toy snail let out a high-pitched squawk.

Under blunt, brutal threats, the squeeze-toy snail spilled everything it had seen and heard during the day, one detail after another.

The digestive system, all the while feeding, listened to the food’s tale of suffering.

Suddenly the human head in its throat tasted even more delicious.

“Pop—”

At last the digestive system gave one hard suck and reluctantly let go of the lollipop-shaped human head.

As always, Lin Jianyuan’s face was streaked with its saliva.

The digestive system, never tired of staring, found the sight of a human face smeared with its spit unbearably cute.

It looked very tasty.

It was, in fact, very tasty.

And it wanted more.

So have another bite—why be polite?

The digestive system was nothing if not forward. It joyfully buried its head, a wet slurp, and sucked on the other’s Adam’s apple like someone savoring jelly.

Mmm, delicious. So good.

So much—anger, repression, manic rage, cruelty—all of it.

The best part was they kept coming, unstoppable.

The digestive system thought it had found the perfect long-term meal ticket: abundant and filling.

And very entertaining.

After who knew how long, sated only reluctantly, the digestive system climbed off Lin Jianyuan.

It remembered the thing Lin Jianyuan had said to it while doing the dishes, and couldn’t help curving its mouth into a smile again.

“Thanks for the hospitality.” A length of intestine lightly patted Lin Jianyuan’s face, wiping the glittering saliva from his eyelashes.

“………………” The NieNieLe snail cowered in the backpack, trembling.

Help! That was so perverse!

If he was going to eat people, then just eat people! Why was he hemming and hawing about it?!

So filthy! Ugh!

The next day.

The alarm rang; Lin Jianyuan woke up unwillingly from his dream.

Half-asleep he grabbed his phone—still early; he could sleep five more minutes.

So Lin Jianyuan, still with his eyes shut, reached for his backpack. With a wet smack he grabbed the squeeze toy thief from the bottom and yanked it out.

“Get to work—ha, ah—” Lin Jianyuan yawned and tossed the squeeze toy onto the bed.

“Oh-oh…” The squeeze toy thief, dutiful, hauling its heavy shell, began disgorging yesterday’s details—computer freezes, subway commute times.

Five minutes multiplied into countless five-minute increments. Lin Jianyuan slept like a log.

“Not bad, you’re actually pretty useful.” Full of sleep, Lin Jianyuan patted its little head with satisfaction.

“Well, um—last night you…” The squeeze toy thief hesitated.

Lin Jianyuan: “What?”

The squishy thief held its breath, cocking its antennae to listen for noises outside.

There was no sound at all outside.

So quiet it was like Blight Realm had died.

“Stop trailing off.” Lin Jianyuan grew impatient. “Say it.”

“You—you last night…” The squeeze toy thief took a deep breath, heroic in the face of doom, and declared, “You snored!!!”

Lin Jianyuan: “……”

What a load of nonsense.

The fact that he was taking a conversation with a squeeze toy seriously was too much.

Lin Jianyuan’s face blank, he grabbed the squeeze toy and stuffed it back into the backpack.

With a squish, the squeeze toy emitted a sound like a squashed squeaky toy.

“Wahhh it’s so cramped… don’t shove me, don’t shove me, don’t stick the laptop in—wah! Don’t shove the charger in too aaaaah!!!”

The zipper whooshed shut; Lin Jianyuan paid no mind to whatever the squeeze toy was screaming and coldly left for work.

The living room was empty and peaceful. His roommate’s door was closed—looks like no 8 a.m. class today.

"It's so nice to still be in school," Lin Jianyuan sighed. "Not like me, a corporate drone—just commuting eats up four hours a day."

He gave himself a moment of mourning, then on the subway, with a pop, he pinched and popped the little squeeze toy thief.

Squeeze toy thief: "………………"

Over at the office, elevators during the morning rush were impossible to get.

When Lin Jianyuan arrived at the office he still had thirty seconds before he'd be late; he felt pretty lucky.

Ding. Clocked in.

He pocketed his phone with swagger, but a faint, thin cry suddenly rose from the wall.

"Whimper…"

Lin Jianyuan had slept well the night before and felt alert; he greeted people as he walked toward his desk.

"Whimper! Whimper!" The cry seemed to sprout legs and doggedly followed him all the way to his workstation.

"Morning, Yuan-ge!" Pei Shuo smiled, bright and handsome enough to lift your mood. "Have you had breakfast? I brought siu mai and giant meat buns!"

Lin Jianyuan: "No thanks. Appreciate it."

Pei Shuo: "Don't be polite, bro—I bought too much, can't finish it all myself! Here, try one! These meat buns are really good! The line was huge when I bought them; I was nearly late!"

Lin Jianyuan: "Alright, alright."

"Whah! Whah! Whah!" The cry, stunned to be completely ignored, grew so furious it almost took on substance and lunged out of the wall.

Pei Shuo leaned over and took a steaming big meat bun from the bag to offer him.

Lin Jianyuan caught sight of two resurgent vines coiling in his eyes, casually plucked them out, and—crunch—tossed them into the shredder.

"Wyeeh—" The whimper was instantly choked off, as if expressing stunned disbelief.

After a brief pause the wall sank in slightly, as if something inside had taken a deep breath.

Then it erupted into a heart-rending wail!

"Waaah— waaahwahwahwahwah—"

"Oh ho." The Squishy Thief huffed, shaking its antennae haughtily. "Here comes another one who's not afraid to die."