Chapter 54

Chapter 54: You’re Absolutely Crazy About Me

Lin Jianyuan sat at home, staring across the table at his roommate, at a loss for words.

The pink digestive system lounged there, perfectly at ease.

He even pulled a phone from his gallbladder, his tiny appendix swaying like a cat’s tail.

Beep.

The base station received its orders.

The robot vacuum set off.

Lin Jianyuan: "..."

Outside the window, everything was bathed in a dark red glow.

Fleshy pink shadows surged like monstrous waves. Something kept slamming against them from outside, trying to break through.

But it was like a stupid pigeon smacking into glass.

They only managed to flop down, wings snapping as they fell.

Lin Jianyuan: "."

Bzzzz.

The robot vacuum zipped under the table.

Bzzt.

It bumped into Lin Jianyuan’s foot.

His foot took the hit, but it felt like his brain got rattled too.

Suddenly, the scene at the mall flashed back in his mind.

It was brutal.

Lin Jianyuan had never realized the pink digestive system could fight like that.

The whole thing was—

Crows flying a plane!

A tornado ripping through a parking lot!

Utter annihilation!

Unstoppable!

Everyone there was trash!

So it’s true—the pinker the guts, the harder they hit?

The whole fight lasted maybe five seconds.

Which made Lin Jianyuan, who’d shouted “Honey, you run, I’ll cover you!” look like a complete idiot.

He remembered standing frozen at the emergency exit.

His cheeks burned with embarrassment all over again.

No wonder he and the pink digestive system got along so well.

The pink digestive system seemed to be thinking the same thing.

The pink digestive system said, “You ran so fast just now.”

Lin Jianyuan: "..."

“You dragged me six meters in one second.”

“Shut up!”

“I’m absolutely crazy about you now.”

Lin Jianyuan: "………………"

Lin Jianyuan felt a mess of emotions, too tangled for words.

He looked up to see the pink digestive system still grinning at him.

He snapped, “Laughing? You’re still laughing? You don’t even have a face, just a mouth, and you’re still laughing!”

“I like you so much.”

Lin Jianyuan froze.

The pink digestive system propped up his “chin” with a loop of intestine, beaming at him from across the table.

“I really like you.”

Lin Jianyuan blushed, speechless. “Stop it.”

His mouth curled higher. “I just keep liking you more.”

“Enough!” Lin Jianyuan shouted, mortified.

The pink digestive system couldn’t stop laughing.

Now Lin Jianyuan was truly furious. He slammed the table and stood up. “Enough! How can you actually be a digestive system? How can I be in love with a digestive system?!”

“But you already are!”

“I thought I was sick!”

“I don’t care.”

“How can you not care?!”

“You asked me to be your wife. I even double-checked with you. This was all you.”

“I thought you were a person!”

“Still don’t care.”

“How can you not care…”

“You’re the one who asked me to be your wife.”

And there they were, running in circles again.

How could this pink digestive system be as twisty as his own guts?!

Frustrated and helpless, Lin Jianyuan had nowhere to vent.

He slumped back into his chair, sulking.

Bzzz.

The robot vacuum finished up and rolled out from under the table.

The tiles beneath the table now sparkled.

Outside, the fleshy red waves kept churning.

The Bureau’s strike team kept firing.

Useless.

Not a single bullet made it through.

The waves blocked everything, bullets crackling against them like the sound of diarrhea.

Ridiculous.

Lin Jianyuan slumped in his chair, defeated.

The more he thought about it, the more absurd it seemed.

He looked at the pink digestive system in front of him and remembered—this digestive system was his wife.

Despair deepened.

But the pink digestive system just sat there, saying nothing, refusing all responsibility.

He simply kept “looking” at him, grinning.

His appendix swayed like a little tail.

Lin Jianyuan couldn’t take it anymore. He jumped up, ran around the table, grabbed his esophagus, and shook it wildly.

“Stop laughing! Tell me what we’re supposed to do! What now?!”

The pink digestive system shook and wobbled in his grip.

He burped up a pink bubble.

“Hahaha.”

Lin Jianyuan: "."

The pink digestive system couldn’t stop laughing. “Hahahahaha!”

Lin Jianyuan was completely speechless.

His tangled guts quivered with laughter.

A warm, soft bundle of intestines wrapped around him in a hug.

His roommate’s voice brimmed with laughter, smug and proud. “I’m crazy about you. You’re crazy about me too, aren’t you?”

Lin Jianyuan rolled his eyes.

He muttered a half-hearted “Yeah, yeah, yeah.”

Getting hugged by a pile of intestines felt so weird.

Not that it was the first time.

But now that he knew they were real intestines, it was so much weirder.

But what else could he do?

Lin Jianyuan turned his head, staring at his roommate, close enough to touch.

A warm, soft throat pressed against his cheek, as affectionate as a pet reptile.

It nuzzled him. Again and again.

He loved to act cute—he really, really loved to act cute.

How could a digestive system be so clingy?

How could a digestive system be this needy?

Ah, he couldn’t take it.

Forget it.

He’d just have to accept it.

Lin Jianyuan sighed and, resigned, reached out.

He hugged the warm, squishy pink digestive system.

His roommate’s mouth curled even higher.

He leaned in and kissed his eyelid.

Then his nose.

Then his lips.

And once more.

Lin Jianyuan: "..."

Ahhh! He couldn’t take it anymore!

How could a digestive system be this cute? This lovable?

He didn’t care anymore!

Digestive system or not, whatever!

If we’ve kissed, you’re my wife!

Mine!

My wife!!!

To hell with everything else!!!

Man and gut clung together, kissing for a long while.

Now it really was “one man, one gut.”

Lin Jianyuan gave in to the truth at last.

“So I’m not actually crazy? All these things, they’re like you—Aberrants?”

Lin Jianyuan lined up the little toys on the table.

“Yep.” His roommate pressed close, tiny appendix swaying. “Just a bunch of A-class trash.”

Ever since they’d teleported home from the mall, his roommate’s little tail hadn’t stopped wagging.

Damn! If he’d known his wife could teleport, why had he bothered squeezing onto the subway every day?

What a waste!

Time Thief, Tripwire, Shadow Devourer, and Abyssal Maw all trembled in fear.

Only an S-class could call A-class trash.

But he was S-class—what could they do but take it?

“No wonder they shake when they see you. They’re scared.”

“How could that be?” his roommate sounded genuinely surprised. “I’m not scary.”

Time Thief, Tripwire, Shadow Devourer, and Abyssal Maw: "..."

They kept trembling, aggrieved, angry, and utterly defeated.

“So what now?” Lin Jianyuan said. “Let’s figure this out.”

“Okay.” His roommate wound a coil of intestine around his waist.

Like a mischievous little snake.

It even tried to burrow in!

Lin Jianyuan calmly pinched the warm, soft intestine between two fingers and slid it out of his waistband like pulling a belt.

“The Bureau’s got a hundred thousand troops outside, trying to storm our crappy old apartment,” Lin Jianyuan said.

“There aren’t a hundred thousand.”

“It’s a figure of speech.”

“Fifteen hundred, tops.” His roommate cocked his “head” as if sensing something. “Another five hundred on the way, five kilometers out. Bit of a traffic jam.”

“Great, a round number. We’re saved,” Lin Jianyuan deadpanned.

“We’re saved!” his roommate burst out laughing and kissed him.

Then added, “They can’t get in.”

Lin Jianyuan sighed. “But we can’t get out either.”

“Then we’ll just stay home.”

“We’ll starve.”

“I can sneak a gut out and buy groceries.”

Lin Jianyuan: "..."

He pictured a single intestine haggling with a vendor at the market.

He couldn’t hold it in—he burst out laughing.

Laughed for a second, then forced himself to stop.

Lin Jianyuan said flatly, “This won’t work. I can’t stay cooped up here forever, I’ll suffocate—wait, that time we played basketball?”

His roommate got it instantly. “Oh, the rainy day?”

“...Never mind, don’t say it.”

Lin Jianyuan’s face darkened.

He knew it!

That time, it was pouring outside, but he hadn’t gotten wet at all!

He’d walked home through a soft, pink tunnel!

What that tunnel was—he didn’t even want to say.

Aaaaah!

Help!!!

His roommate couldn’t stop laughing, liver and gallbladder pressed against his arm, shaking. “Are you disgusted by me?”

“I almost wish I really was crazy,” Lin Jianyuan said in despair.

His roommate burst out laughing again, guts quivering.

The trembling spread to Lin Jianyuan’s shoulders.

He tried to hold back, but couldn’t.

He joined in, and soon they were both laughing, tangled together.

“Okay, enough! Be serious! We’re still under siege!”

Lin Jianyuan reined himself in at once.

He was a responsible adult, after all—more level-headed than his wife.

“Oh. So what now?” his roommate’s tone grew a little more serious.

But the little appendix-tail kept wagging.

Like an annoying cat tail.

It was so distracting, he couldn’t help but stare.

Lin Jianyuan grabbed the tail and ordered, “Stop wagging.”

His roommate just kept smiling.

The little tail squirmed in his palm.

In the end, there was no way to have a proper discussion.

No way to be serious. Tactics, strategy—impossible.

Maybe it was just that his wife was too powerful.

He was S-class, after all.

He was already top tier. The Bureau outside didn’t stand a chance.

The way those shells popped against his barrier was like free pea shooters in a game.

Basically, it’d take a hundred thousand years to break his defense.

But they couldn’t get out either.

Man and gut cuddled and kissed, tangled up together.

After all that stickiness, they finally reached a decision:

Given the situation, they might as well eat first.

Time to see what was left in the fridge.